Thursday, December 19, 2013

Time Keeps On

It's been 9 days since I met my little boy, and found out that I wouldn't get to take him home. In that time I've experienced many feelings and emotions, some of them familiar (I've laid my mom to rest, so grief isn't new to me) and some of them brand new.

My biggest companions right now are sadness, guilt, depression and frustration. I know I'll be dealing with these feelings for a long time, even though I can try to rationalize away the guilt (it's not my fault he died, I wasn't selfish for electing to try vaginal birth instead of going for the planned C-section, babies were *meant* to be born vaginally, etc. etc.)

I am still knitting, though I'm sure some would say I shouldn't. I need to keep my hands busy, and my hooks and needles have been my companions for a long time. I've made a few things since we lost Freddy, small things. I also started a blanket that I intend to donate to the hospital where Freddy was taken. They wrapped Freddy in a blanket, and then I wrapped him in one I had brought, so I could keep that one. It's the only thing I have that he wore, and I would protect it as fiercely as I would protect him or Tiri.

We laid Freddy to rest on Monday, he is sleeping in his little white casket on Mom's grave, waiting for Jehovah's call. (John 5:28, 29; Acts 24:15; Revelation 20: 12, 13)


  1. Hey Rachel, you commented on my birth story on Birth Without Fear back in May (probably shortly after finding out you were pregnant), and I was just re-reading my story and the comments, and noticed your name had a link to your blog. I just got caught up on your journey of pregnancy and loss, and though you don't know me, want to offer you my deepest, most heartfelt sympathies and condolences on the loss of your precious sweet baby boy. Words fail to offer the comfort I wish i could give; I wish I could hug you and cry with you, but know that a stranger in Tennessee is thinking of you and praying for you today, sweet mama. Love and light, Hannah

    1. Hello Hannah, I'm sorry it's taken so long to reply to your comment. We had some computer issues. Thank you for commenting and offering your condolences. The women I have found online have been such an immense comfort. The Birth Without Fear blog made me believe I could VBAC, and the Healing After Pregnancy Loss group on makes me believe that I can move on and maybe have more babies. Thank you so much. <3 Rachel

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